Ideally, families function best when they are able to connect with one another, as well as separate from each other, without fear of reprisal or guilt. Enmeshment refers to too much involvement between family members, leaving those who wish for more separateness feeling guilty and disloyal. While enmeshment can be a cultural trait among families that do not have any obvious signs of pathology, or common in first generation families trying to integrate in a new cultural, family enmeshment can cause problems in members trying to have a separate life.
Many enmeshed families have the following characteristics in common:
- Strong demands for loyalty to the family and shared reality of the family systems member’s roles and obligations imposed by those in charge
- Demands accompanied by messages of guilt and prohibitions against outside friends and activities
- Time together is maximized and little alone time is permitted
- Excessive dependency between members
- Obligation to take care of a parent at a cost to their own life and relationships
- Spouses and partners of adults enmeshed with a parent* feeling “second fiddle” with little voice in important matters affecting the couple
*Parent-child enmeshment can be between mother and son, mother and daughter, father and daughter, and/or father and son
Factors in families that lead to or aggravate enmeshment include:
- High stress – substance abuse, mental illness
- Single parenting
- Marital discord
- Role induction (parents display of neediness, helplessness, and dependency)
Those suffering from enmeshment report:
- Feeling burdened with too much caretaking and responsibility for their parent’s feelings and needs
- Feeling smothered, engulfed, trapped, and intruded on
- Transferring feelings onto commitments that would advance their own individual separateness and satisfaction, such as romance and career choice
- Feeling disloyal and burdened, forsake their own wishes to return to please and act as caretaker of their parents’ needs
- Dissatisfaction after romantic partners, feeling neglected and second choice, ask for divorce
- Struggling to enter any romantic relationship because of feeling disloyal to the parent
- Lost career opportunities resulting in feeling left out and dissatisfied
- Looking for validation, furthering their own trap by becoming even more the “good son” or “good daughter,” knowing they can gain approval from that role
- Sexual problems as they seek “commitment free” sexual contacts including affairs, anonymous encounters, or pornography
- Difficulty feeling sexual in committed relationships as feelings of being entrapped and smothered can interfere
If you come from an enmeshed family, you are likely to feel excessive guilt and responsibility for your family members, often at a cost to your own interests. It is important to find a way to break free form enmeshment, and live your own life, while still loving your family.