This time of year is viewed by many as a way to reconnect with family, enjoy time spent together, and give to one another. However, it can prove difficult if you are struggling with enmeshment. The give-and-take and push-pull of each family’s dynamic can be emphasized around the events of the holidays. Spending time with family may dredge up memories of disappointment or feelings of guilt, reverting to our younger selves. Follow these tips to make it through the holidays in a healthy and balanced way.
Maintaining Boundaries
The key to getting through the holidays with enmeshment is to remember the boundaries that you have set for yourself. Boundaries are key in getting through the holiday in a healthy and happy way. Explicitly setting limits and rules to change the “old ways” you relate to your family can reaffirm the sense of limits you have created for yourself. It may sound paradoxical, but building healthy relationships really does require setting boundaries and limits.
Forget the Guilt
There may be times that you feel obligated to be certain places or do things for your parent during this time. The pressure can be put on everyone to create the “perfect holiday”. Try to not put unreasonable expectations of yourself, and don’t overanalyze your actions. Overextending yourself can cause more stress, guilt, and feelings of frustration for failing to maintain your boundaries. Enjoy the holidays for what they bring now, instead of remembering negative feelings you may harbor.
If you are anticipating your mother’s negative behavior to be a problem during this time, it may be easier to process if you are prepared for it. Try listing the things that your mother does that trigger your feelings of guilt and think about how they affect you. Laying it out ahead of time may help you reestablish the healthy ways you cope now and counter the false beliefs you learned as a child.
No Holiday is Perfect
It’s easy to create a romanticized idea of how our family holidays will be. Try to not idealize the holiday, and don’t be disappointed if your interactions don’t live up to your expectations. Creating adult relationships with parents can come at a cost. When you decide to experience your life “your way” instead of “their way” it may cause a sense of guilt or betrayal on the parent’s part. Deciding between the losses associated with overcompensating to please your parent or the losses that are experienced as a result of being true to yourself can prove difficult. Remember what is important to you this holiday season.